The sOuL SuRvIVoRs

cryz

Subject:	Moving On?
Time:	4:11 pm.
Mood:	discontent.
Music:	Little Rock - Reba.

The more I try to work things out with Bill the more confused I get. I cannot understand the man. If you love someone why do you shun their touch, why do you make it an argument to give them a kiss, or a bit of your time?

I told him today that I thought maybe I should find another guy whom wants to kiss me, wants to touch me, wants to cuddle me. And he said and that guys me right? No dude, its not you anymore. I've given ample changes to be you again and you fail to even try. He just doesn't get how utterly unhappy I am.

I love him, but I don't want to remain if this is how its going to be. The only reason I am sticking around now is out of blind hope that we will be the way we were before someday. Because I do love him. But I can't keep overlooking his mean selfish behavior.

I really NEED a guy that loves me and acts like it for me to feel at all good. Sad? Perhaps, but that is what a life of abuse and rape will do to a person. I need the validation of someone, to know I am important to someone. And Bill has stopped providing that. And its eating away at my spirit quite readily.

=(

All I want is a little bit of affection is that so much to ask??

Comments: Add Your Own.

cryz

Subject:	Beauty in All Things
Time:	9:43 am.
Mood:	contemplative.

Hey guys,

Checking in from Utah, on some backroad at a tiny little gas station that had just enough room to park a truck. I’ve had a long day, well for me… I started at 12 and its 9 am now, most truckers can do10 or 11 but for me10 or 11 is a hard push. I’ve been driving all backroads, got to drive a little on US-666 which amused me to no end.

Almost hit a deer herd or something, scared the crap out of me because I was kinda zonked out, you know been driving for like 4 hours, it was like 4 am, and I was just staring blankly ahead looking for lights, not deer. So when I saw the deer in my headlights about 500 feet away I was like oh crap! And one just sorta stood there and looked at me a second.

My first reaction, everyone’s first reaction, is usually to swerve or brake hard. You can’t do that in a truck. If I swerve I can roll or jackknife, as the trailer swings hard and the freight moves. And I cannot brake suddenly for a similar reason, as locking the breaks generally leads to a jackknife. That was one of the things Tom taught us back in school, just hit the animal, because as sad as that is, it would be more sad for you to end up hurt or dead, and the 100 thousand dollar truck and freight to be destroyed. Or someone else hurt or dead. But in THIS case it was safe for me to swerve a little bit to the right. I saw it in time that I didn’t jerk I simply moved, and it ran off safely. Woke me the hell up good though.

So Bambi lived.

I was reflecting on how neat trucking can be sometimes. I’ve been a trucker for a year now and I have seen so much stuff I’d probably never seen otherwise. For one the entire country (lower states I mean). I’ve seen the pretty utah mountains at sunrise, the rockies in the winter, I’ve seen bears, mountain goats, antelope, elk, caribou, wolves, wild horses, an eagle, I seen so many things. The beauty I like to watch that I guess few people do really look at.

I’ve seen rushing creeks running swiftly around smooth worn rocks, mountains that fade from green to white and disappear in the colds. Deserts whom seem so barren in the winter turn to beautiful reds, yellows, and blues in the spring. I’ve seen brilliant reds, oranges, and browns as the trees in the northeast fade into their winter slumber. I’ve seen caves dotting painted mountain sides, and forest so thick and lush that its hard to believe so few of them exist anymore I’ve seen hares leading their young out for the first time, and the hills go from brown and yellow to green dotted with every color flower so perfectly it looked like they were planted and not just wild flowers and weeds. .

I’ve seen farmland rolling hill over hill dotted with corn, and plows, hay, and cattle. I’ve seen people whom shun electric and modern things in their horse and buggies, and I’ve seen nuclear plants. I’ve seen military bases, where food is made, and the back end of many stores. I’ve seen Walmart’s headquarters, most of New York City, and every major city in the United States. I’ve been to them all.

I’ve seen Yellowstone, the Missispi, Tallendaga national forest, Vial Mountain, and Donner Pass. I can have ti8me off wherever I request it and never pay for travel, in fact, I get paid for it! I say I want off in Yellowstone on the 19th, they get me there under a load, I deliver, and then I’m free. What other job gives you free travel to pretty much any place in the lower 48 states? How about pays you to travel there? Ha!

I am sure Bill gets tired of me exclaiming everytime I see something beautiful, be it horses, or cattle, or a pretty stream. But I find beauty in these things. It is these things, and not the money, not the travel, not the driving, it is these things that I wanted to see when I wanted to be a truck driver. It is these things that I love most about it. I just wish I could stop and take pictures of all the beautiful stuff I see, so I can share it more with you guys. I am going to make it a point to try.

Still the money is good but my heart keeps longing for something less… stressful. I dream of just jumping on the back of a horse with a laptop, a tent, a few changes of clothing, and a camera, and just riding the roads. I find that idea so relaxing.

In this world where so much is ugly, so much is cruel still peace and beauty surrounds us. I implore you to take time from your busy lives to just try and enjoy the simple beauty around you. On your next drive to work, or the store, or wherever, look out beyond the road before you, and really see whats there.

Comments: Add Your Own.

cryz

Subject:	Accepting the Inevitable
Time:	2:05 pm.
Mood:	depressed.

Livejournal is downright now so I am typing this out on word for later. I am sure most of you are tired of hearing how Bill acts on a daily basis, after all its been a year and nothing has changed. Has it? Will it ever? I don’t know. Men are always so difficult to work with, because most of them refuse to budge on their issues. I always bend over backwards for the men I am with and they never seem to even try.

It feels like beating my head against a giant stone wall until blood comes pouring out of my ears and still the wall won’t move. On one side, I have an unwavering faith that is just badly placed, where I love this man whom I would do anything for. And yet I feel push to shove this man would drop me in a heart beat once he gets his bills paid.

That bothers me. Logically a relationship should be built on trust, love, and mutual respect. Ideally it should be based on love, trust, mutual values and morals, mutual respect, similar life goals, and a passion for the same things. I thought that me and Bill shared those things. If I did not, I would have never married him. Nor would I have remained in a relationship with him after figuring out we did not share those values. These are important all around things for a long term relationship. After all if one wants to be a military commander and one hate the military this would not work right?

When we started going out I was very clear in my lifelong goals, my past, my little quirks. I don’t think there is anything I failed to tell him. But apparently there was a lot he failed to tell me. And a lot that he agreed to or with that he didn’t really mean. Today it becomes more and more clear, Bill lies a lot. Every chance he gets where something may lead to a disagreement, he lies it seems. He claims not to do things that he’s doing right in front of me like I am that dumb?

I have tried unwaveringly to look past the mistakes he keeps making, I am giving a valiant effort but I am not capable of just baring the weight of this much longer. Because he’s not trying to change at all, and that should clearly tell me he doesn’t really care. So when I look at him, and I feel love, and he looks at me and feels nothing… I mean… how am I supposed to feel?

I feel used.

Love should mean trust. Trust is so important. When your lover tells you something and you need proof, there is something is wrong. Especially when it is something as trivial as a nickel. A nickel is worth not trusting your lover over? Something is very wrong here. When he turns to his mom for advice he should be turning to me for. When he doubts everything I say. When he doesn’t talk to me, but can carry on hours of conversation with friends on the phone. Something… is wrong.

If you were to ask me, does Bill love you? My answer is unwaveringly no. Does he trust me? No.

So you of course ask, why stay with a man whom doesn’t love you or trust you? Why bother?

Because I love him. And that’s not something I can just turn my back on. Not easily. Its very hard to accept the man whom was so loving and caring, whom made me feel so utterly loved is gone. Forever. But… I think he is. And I don’t think there is anything I can do about it. Because I have tried, believe me I have tried. I have tried negotiating, tried talking, tried writing, tried changing. But it takes two to make it work. And he… simply doesn’t love me.

Those words are like little knives to say. But the more I type them perhaps the easier to accept it will become.

He doesn’t love me.
He doesn’t care about me.

I don’t know why I am making this entry, Perhaps to push it into my head its over. To try and convince myself, just go. Because he doesn’t love me, and I need to be loved. This has never been about bills, money, cars, houses, this has always been about love. I care about nothing but love.

Does it hurt? Yes. It is a deeper pain then I have really felt. Putting it into words, seems impossible. I’ve wanted to just scream and cry in desperation and anguish the last year. Because I simply don’t know what to do. And I can’t hold the tears back anymore. They aren’t flowing badly now but they are flowing.

Its like living in a daze right now, as I make my plans to leave him. Because I don’t know what the future holds, where I will go. What I will do. How I will live with this emptiness inside me that has grown and swallowed my soul.

The sad thing is I am trying very hard to cry quietly so not to disturb Bill.

Comments: Add Your Own.

cryz

Subject:	S.O.S.
Time:	1:04 pm.
Mood:	annoyed.

Still in Laredo, don't have a load yet. Its getting late. Dispatcher is totally not allowed to go home until he gets load. I don't want to stay in this stupid hellhole. Its like 2000000 degrees and it smells funny.

This is a convo with him from yesterday:

Me: I mite be getting a horsey
Him: Great! Maybe you can bring it with you so you can get your loads there on time.

Smartass.

He's just being funny though, we have a cool love/hate relationship.I told him last time I called I can't remember my truck number cause it changes so much, he thought it was funny heh.

Speaking of love/hate relationships... Bill is crazy. No I've come to the all out conclusion that he is full on fucking nuts. I thought I was nuts, but at least I have priorities in life together you know?

People > Things > Money AMIRITE?

Here's Bills: Bills > Money> John Deere things > People > Cryz

I kid you not!

Sad really to think he will die probably freaking out about a bill the night before he dies. Case in point? He has been suddenly anal on his bank account, I set up to send text messages for him to his phone cause he was getting weird. Never got a thank you but he's too concerned with himself I guess. SO anyway, he gets one that says his account is 5 cents less then before.

This boy refuses to accept my perfectly logical reasoning as to what happened (keep the change) and demands to see his bank account himself OVER FIVE CENTS. But he trust me? AMIRITE?

Yeah whatever. This game grows boring.

Comments: Add Your Own.

cryz

Subject:	Another Day In Another State
Time:	11:40 pm.
Mood:	aggravated.

We are headed to Laredo now, though I am kinda tired, only got 3-4 hours sleep. I can't get back to sleep and I am still tired. Bill expects me to drive, but I am unsure if I can. I am strongly leaning toward getting off the truck and going to the hospital when we get around DFW and staying there till they figure out why my chest keeps hurting. It would at least give me a break from the stress I've been under.

Bill wants to get rid of the animals, suddenly they are a huge burden to him. He of course, seems to think we will get the same price that we paid for Argosz I think he's being dumb. I told him if the animals aren't here to love me who will right? He had no answer for that. He said about the dumbest thing I ever heard 'Well we've had animals for a whole year." And... your point is? I was like and when you get an animal you make a commitment to it for life. And he was like well I'd make sure they got good homes I wouldn't just throw them in the street. Because somehow that makes it better when you are abandoning your pet. The man refuses to make concessions, or compromises.

I said well, I will find homes for all of them but I will keep one cat. He says we should just get rid of them all. To which I said, and what if getting rid of the only things left in the truck that show me any affection at all makes me more depressed. He had no answer. All he can think about is that the truck would be cleaner without animals. This is true. It would also be cleaner without me. Is he going to abandon me next? Probably. He has no real sense of commitment to anything I guess.

So I am going to place all the cats, I was meaning to anyway, as the only cat that was really mine is Storm. And he is gone now, no sightings, no sign of him, just like Athena except I have strong reason to believe he was stolen. I know Athena got out and ran off, we tried everything to find her. Finding a cat in a farm/wood area is not possible if the cat doesn't want to be found. I caught many cats in my feral trap but none were her. Also caught three squirrels, a small dog, and a pissed off raccoon.

I am going to board the dog. Until the 18th when I am there for the horse thing, at which point I will make a decision on this whole marriage thing. Part of me wants to make it work, keep my promise, because I do love him. Part of me says this is pointless because he doesn't love me or trust me anymore. The animal thing though, is going to be the clincher I think. Because one of the many things I told him from day 1 is I was always going to have at least a cat. After all the compromises I've made for him, I am not budging on that.

Wish I knew which part is right.

Comments: Add Your Own.

cryz

Subject:	Land Deal in Works - DFW Stock Stuff
Time:	12:33 pm.
Mood:	amused.

So BLM is having a horse adoption event in DFW area on the 15th of September, I and hopefully Rob are going to go and pick out a couple of horses to try to adopt. I will be looking for black, buckskin, and/or paints. I am hoping to walk away with three, but may only get one depending on the prices. Its part of the extreme mustang challenge these horses will compete for prize money on the first day and then go up for adoption the second day. They have already been trained and broken so they are ready to go. Typically these horses can go from 500-1000 dollars a piece, I am hoping to get lucky and grab 3 at 5 or at least 1 at 1500. The winners and finalist can shoot up to 4+ thousand so I won't end up with one of those. But I am planning to also attend the Mesquite Horse Auction on Thursday as well to get another broke horse if I cannot pick up three there.

I am close to a land deal, negotiated at 3000 a month for a fairly nice piece of fenced land. The pasture is 100 acres with 3 ponds and small bit of additional acreage. The date for the wild horses to be moved is about the 2nd week of October, I expect to also move 2 bulls, some sheep, and chickens there as well. It will be a mini farm. I want to get these trained horses to assist with the wild ones, they will be in two separate pastures. The idea is to take two wild horses, put them in with the tame horses, so that they bond with them, and the tame ones whom were once wild can assist in the transition to gentling. I should be receiving the contract today or tomorrow.

My land is still being paid for but once we start getting these horses sold we can pay off that quick. I am thinking we should see at least a 15k turnaround on the horses taking away expenses. That would bring us a fairly good chunk down on the fee for the land, one its paid off I will fence it. Anyone want to preorder a horse? LOL

I am looking hard to find a trailer as well, as I will need at least a 4 horse trailer.

Bill held me last night, I was so happy I fell asleep in his arms... doesn't take much to make me happy wish he would do it more you know?

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mua

Subject:	nkjkfejrgjkewmotherfucker.
Time:	12:35 pm.

"It's all your fucking fault."

That's all I ever hear. When is it ever his fault?

Never.

It's easier to blame me.

Whatever.

I don't feel like wasting my breath.

He's a douche.

"You don't care about me. All you care about is yourself."

That too. What do you say to that? Seriously. Sure, I put a lot of focus on work and school. But that's how I roll, homes.

"Now my daughter is going to grow up without a father because her mother is a douchebag."

Ah, well. If you don't want to stay in the picture. It's on you, homie. Seriously, what other baby mama is as nice as me? I get out of work at 11:30 and the first thing I do is pick up Layla and take her to see him without him even asking because I'm... a douchebag?

Yeaaaaah.

I gave you 60 bucks yesterday to help you pay court fees without you asking because... I'm such a douchebag. I don't want to see you go to jail and miss out on seeing your daughter... because I'm that much of a douchebag.

I don't ask you for child support, or ANY MONEY TO SPEND ON LAYLA... because I'm a douchebag.

I should just stab my douchebag heart.

"What did I ever do to you? Was I such a bad boyfriend? All I did was not have a job."

And smoke too much weed. Drink too much beer. Flip out too much over nothing. Lose too much stuff and harass me way too much when you can't find it. What happened last time? You lost your wallet... because you got too drunk the night before and couldn't remember where it went... so you trash the house... MY STUFF... MY CLOTHES... and you had a can of beer on the table that poured over all my clothes. Clean clothes, mind you. And who had to wash it all? My douchebag self.

How can I live with such irresponsibility?

And you ask me why I leave. I don't want to hurt your feelings, BECAUSE I'M SUCH A DOUCHEBAG. So I ignore the question.

So you go on with, "Now I get the fucking silent treatment. See? You don't give a fuck about me."

And again, what do I say? So I stay quiet.

And of course... that only triggers your attitude.

Ohhhhhhh boy.

Serena, you being nice somehow turns into you being mean.

So be mean I say. Be mean.

Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.

cryz

Subject:	Lee Grr?
Time:	11:06 am.

Well I want to go to Blizzcon but I have to wait till I find a new prepaid card, which on the road, is hit or miss. That said, once I do find one, I can buy tickets if there still are any. I am less interested in the con then I am the swag so worse comes to worse ill buy the damn thing on ebay. I am not a people person, I have little interest in being oogled by thousands of gamer geeks, but I will for free crap. I will probably go day one and not day two.

I've researched and found TX offers a guaranteed loan to young farms starting out, so all I have to do is own the land or a large lump of cash (25k) as 'startup' funds, have a sound business plan (done), and they will help me get a loan for the rest. But I won't own the land for a bit, and I wont have 25k for a bit so its a bit of a wait. In the mean time, I've looked into leasing some land. If I get a good patch, I am going to grab the horses, some cows, and some chickens and start the whole learning process. It won't be for profit it will just be personal, so I can get used to the idea of 'slaughter' in regards to something I have lovingly raised. It would make me feel better about my inability to turn away from meat if I could at least say the thing I am eating had a good life, and died with some measure of peace and dignity.

I understand at first it will not save me any funds to do it this way, but in the end, it will start making a dent in health, and funds. I plan to raise organic feed, free ranging chickens, grazing cattle with no additives, and I plan to love them like I would any animal. They will not be commercial products to me, they will be pets with a purpose. Getting used to the idea that Spot the cow will eventually become BBQ ribs though, will be hard the first few times. But I have found an appropriate slaughter house that I know will 'kill' them right. Yes weird thing to say, but there is a right and a wrong way to dispatch an animal.

We are meat eaters, and it just something that must be accepted. We cannot get the right amount of nutrients as easily from plants. And in reality eating more plants does not help the world because we have to grow the plants, and a very convincing chart shows that plants actually take more energy to grow for food then animals do. That said, I think most vegetarians would be okay knowing the food they are eating did not live or die horribly. That they were loved, cared for, and they were killed as quickly and painlessly as possible. Some animals need meat, lions, bears, sharks. Some need plants. But the ones that process plants have several stomachs to make the most use of the plants limited nutrients. We do not. Its just how life goes.

So now I am looking into cattle, and I've already picked the chickens. The cows will be Holstein or Angus. The former is usually a dairy cow but they have great meat, they just take longer to grow into good size. They are far cheaper as the males are not wanted by the dairy farms.

Next year I will have plenty of organic beef and chicken meat and eggs.

Comments: Add Your Own.

cryz

Subject:	Weird Medical Crap, Beta, and Bill
Time:	2:14 am.
Mood:	calm.

Our 1 year anniversary is fast approaching, what I am unsure of is if you are supposed to celebrate the 'first date' day or the proposal day lol. Dunno, but I did manage to find the PERFECT gift for Bill, whose not exactly hard to shop for, he likes very specific things and anything to go with them will be ok with him. Like for instance I could buy him a John Deere mower and he'd be like thrilled, or a John Deere shirt... or something for his car (which is not exactly unlike me there), he likes boat crap too I think. But I wouldn't have a clue what to buy there. I know all the stuff he likes, and its an anniversary thing so it has to be special. Regardless of our current disheveled relationship. Dinner just wouldn't be good, and I don't think giving him a ring if he doesn't give me one is a good idea... but... I did find the best gift ever that I KNOW he will love. I am willing to bet he will NEVER guess what it is. But I am like happy as hell cause I just KNOW he will die when he gets it... or... when he's doing it. lol.

No I am not telling you what it is cause he reads this vaguely sometimes and I am not spoiling this surprise. Its that good!

Beta has been fun, trying to form the guild I started there into a 'raid focused' one for when they release the heroic, 10 mans and so on. I am 74 now, leveling slowly exploring doing all the fun stuff now so at release I can focus 100% on leveling instead of exploring. And I will know where to go and all that. Its very important because I plan to take a week or 2 weeks off and I want to powerlevel to 80 ASAP so I can be FIRST to 80.

Relationship wise I'm no better no worse. Bills been pretty lax in the 'love' department for far too long, as far as why... I don't know. But I am hoping when he figures all that stuff out, either on his own or with the help of a counselor, he will at the least apologize for how shitty he has been treating me, and double time to make up for it. If its to be this distant half assed crap for good though we have a serious issue, because this is not what I signed up for. It's not fair to me. Or him. Because obviously then there is something wrong with 'us'. Dunno. I am not sure where we will be next year, if there will be a 'we'... taking it day by day. Trying to remain focused on how he was in hopes it will be that way again. I made vows hard to turn my back on em. Since the feelings are still there. At least on my end.

As of late I've had the strangest 'tired' feeling, its a powerful tired feeling, like I've been up WAY too long and like worked out or something where I can't really focus on anything and just feel completely utterly drained and HAVE to sleep. There is no cure. If I don't sleep I will just fall asleep anyway.

Coupled with the strangest heart/chest things, like cramps in my chest or something. Strange lower back ache sorta mid back, just under the belly button area of my body doesn't HURT when I do stuff just a constant dull ache not made worse or better in anyway. =/

Comments: Add Your Own.

cryz

Time:	12:23 am.
Mood:	blank.

I have officially been to all of the 48 lower states. Today I entered the last of them, Washington, which now means in the 1 year I have been trucking I have visited like 30+ states. I am not officially well traveled eh?

I will probably never travel outside of the US. I host no real motivation to seek a passport, or visa, or whatever to go traveling abroad to strange countries whose laws and customs I do not understand, whose food I may not like, and whom may or may not have reliable internet. I have a morbid fear of leaving the country and ending up in serious trouble, I don't even know all the laws in my own country, and I've gotten in enough trouble here thanks... I attribute part of this to the repeated threats and promises by my father to 'sell me' to the slave market overseas where 'no one could ever find me.'

Still no word on Storm, I've kept up with the local shelters, and left a description with AC there, but I check the paper online for found ads, but my heart has already come to the sad realization I will probably never see him again. It was easier this time, as ashamed as I am to say that, because it was so hard with Athena. Not to say I did not... do not love Storm, but I was a bit more guarded, and less foolishly optimistic this go-around. I knew the moment he was missing I'd probably not find him again, but I will try anyway. I will cry, and I will be sad. But in the end, I can only hope and pray should I not find him someone whom will love him does. I can't work miracles. He's a cat, a free indoor cat is hard to catch. They revert to wild state rather quickly and become skittish of even THEIR people in many cases. He has his claws though, so he is able to defend himself.

Comments: Add Your Own.

cryz

Subject:	A Little Bit of This & That
Time:	11:05 pm.
Mood:	stressed.

Nothing has changed, no surprise there. Well thats not really true, I've gotten criminally pessimistic and depressed. But as usual, I am the only one that has made any changes this week. This is becoming a reaccuring statement I guess, I am sure you are all tired of this. But it is my journal and its what I'm dealing with. Besides, you have been through Ben and Josh, so its not like you aren't used to it. I apparently can't find a simple good guy whom loves me and just wants to be with me. Sorry, I guess I have eternally bad luck.

Blizzcon tickets go on sale Monday and they usually sell out within a few hours so I have to figure out how to get money into a credit card to buy them, I need at least 3. My motivation has slipped to an all time low this week though, so I haven't really given it too much thought. I haven't really wanted to play WOW, or do pretty much anything. I've driven more then before though, because we have sorta gotten into a routine now better then before. It always ends up with me half consciously staring ahead, I just don't find any enjoyment in anything these days really. The fleeting moments of 'happiness' I have are with the kittens, but they won't be here much longer, and I quickly fade back into the shell.

Listening to the radio while driving leads me to bouts of irritation and deeper depression. Torn between here and there these days, not sure what to do. I hate happy songs right now, even that Sugarland song 'All I Want to Do' which I used to like because I can sing pretty good to it, pisses me off. How dare she be happy. -_-

No seriously, the happy 'I love you' or 'She loves me' or similar songs... really irritate me these days. And that damn song Bill likes, I refuses to listen to. I turn it off. Because it reminds me of three things, and I don't want to get caught up and forget I'm driving. Very dangerous, I take the driving as seriously as I can because in something as big as a truck I can seriously kill or hurt someone if I fuck up. In my car mostly I'll just hurt myself, but with a semi you hit something and you crush it, even another semi.

I got a ticket yesterday, apparently I wasn't allowed in the left lane, on a four lane highway? Who the hell would have thought that. I didn't see a sign, but the politely condescending cop seemed to be convinced there were a million of them and I was just blind. Its only 69 bucks but I am iffy on not fighting it, the lawyer would cost twice that, but tickets on a CDL can mean more then just fines. It can make finding a new job really hard. It wasn't even like I was driving dangerously, nope, just that I was in the left lane. There was two lanes! I mean it wasn't like there were three, bah. I should have expected it though, them little towns make most of there $ off stupid bs tickets.

It would have been to nice to just say stay out of the left lane from now on. Too easy I guess.

Bill seems to think I'm trying to collect tickets from every state. He can be cute and funny sometimes, often he reminds me why I fell in love with him, fleeting as those moments are. But its still not funny. No its not quit laughing. I will kill you all.

Moving on...

This entry has been all over hasn't it? Well what do you expect, at this point I am as lost as this entry seems. All over the place. Hurt, sad, alone, depressed whatever... I can't go 5 hours without crying for something. This whole week I've been drained and feeling sick. Stomach aches, weird aches and pains, feeling generally not hungry, and tired. Stress and depression.

I've been working on my country cd, I've decided it will have 13 songs. Its called 'Worth A Little More' and most of the songs deal with my current life feelings. I am just so lost with Bill, I feel so much like he doesn't care about me. I mean why else would you put someone you love through such things... why would you not touch them in anyway? I am utterly depressed.

One side of me says to just leave he's just using me, and he will throw me away the moment he gets the chance.

Another part says I can't do that, I love him, I want to be with him. I just want him to love me again.

Another still another is pinning over Rob in that little never really 100% gone tingling want to be with the man whom has been there through every up and down. But my love for Bill is still far to strong to even entertain that thought. I don't want to alienate Bill, I don't want to make him feel like I want to leave him for Rob because that is NOT the case. My love for Rob is that of a friend for a good friend, it has never been nurtured or grown to the extent that Bill's and I had been. If Bill would at least show an effort I wouldn't even be entertaining the thought.

All I want is to feel loved and wanted, is that so much to ask?

Comments: Add Your Own.

cryz

Subject:	Gee Beta is down and I have time: WOW Post
Time:	8:46 pm.

So cliche. All week I didn't have more then an hour here or there to play, then I get some times and they patch! Now it won't even be playable till late tonight if I ever get this stupid 500 megs downloaded. Totally unfair. I demand Blizzard cater to my schedule cause I'm like paying for ... okay so I don't pay for beta but... yea!

Moving on... I tamed the rare Chimera that spawns like once a year apparently or something I waited all weekend and gave up. I logged out and when I logged in to hearth home, boom there it was. -_- Way to waste a weekend stupid pink flying beast.

I have it on good authority that the final BM talent is in finally and I look forward to finding every single exotic pet on the planet. =^-^= <- Meowz

This beta is neat as the devs are actually taking our suggestions and input serious and the servers are filled with nice helpful people whom are there to actually BETA TEST rather then epeen. Very nice... I want to move there permanently. >.>

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cryz

Subject:	I'm exhausted
Time:	10:26 pm.
Mood:	stressed.

Mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted. And so tired of this stupidity. I had a long mostly one sided talk with Bill about the situation we are facing, and didn't get anything accomplished except to depress myself more. The boy won't tell me whats up, says he doesn't know. Whatever.

I've decided to start banking my money, because until I am sure about this 'marriage' that is one sided as hell right now, I am not going to assist any more. I need to be ready to leave if I need to, which is what its looking more and more like. I'd prefer to leave with plenty of funds to locate a place to live. Ultimately my goal is to have enough that I can live off the interest, but that takes hundreds of thousands. But if I can get tens of thousands I might get enough that I can take a part time job and still be okay. I'm not really looking to get rich.

I've been sick with stomach and lung issues as of late, mostly brought on by a combination of stress and depression, of course Bill really doesn't notice or care. Not that I expected much more out of the man. I just feel rundown, and am looking more and more forward to when WOTLK comes out and I take 1-2 weeks away from him and from trucking. I guess that will be a good test for me, and him. Maybe I will just stay away unless he asks me to come back. Hmph. We shall see.

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cryz

Subject:	Two can play this game
Time:	9:50 pm.
Mood:	determined.

Yesterday bill and I got into a fairly big fight, like I said; he and his mother were up to something. I found out last night he had her checking his bank account vs. charges that he authorized me to make that he ‘convientantly’ forgot he did. When I checked my email last night, since its linked to the account, I saw something there about a change to the bank account. Which I didn’t do, I asked him and he said no. So I went to look and the Bank of America Sitekey, which is a retarded picture, was different when I looked it was a pig with the words ‘texas pig’.

I asked him wtf? He said he didn’t know, took me about two seconds to log in and see a message sent to the bank people about the paypal, I knew then and I confronted him. Did you tell your mom to look into this? He said yes. I was pissed because boom, he doesn’t trust me. I told him I was done, packed up a bag, took all my money, and left the truck. I went to denny’s to charge my phone so I could call a cab and get a greyhound bus home.

What pisses me off more is his mom purposely changed the site key to piss me off. Why else would she change it to a pig and put texas pig on it? And where is she getting this shit. Know what I think? I think bill is saying shit to her that he’s not telling me. I told him yesterday to grow the fuck up, the umbilical cord is supposed to be cut when you get married.

So today I asked him point blank, are you keeping me around till you finish paying your bills and then are going to get rid of me? His answer was hesitated and untrustworthy. Well he is going to find out that until he grows up and starts acting married, I am keeping every dime I make and he can pay for his own food, and his own bills without my help.

I imagine I'll have about 2k a month saved. Mmm I shall be rich.

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mua

Subject:	Sometimes I wonder how I made a baby with this person.
Time:	10:45 am.

So that douche and I got into a huge fight today.

When I work, he watches Layla.

Today, I was supposed to work. 3-11, my usual. He called me at 1 and said we had a problem. He doesn't know where to bring Layla, cuz he has no place to go. He named the reasons, and it was sound enough. Still, it's 1. I work at 3. Good time to call me and tell me that, the bastard. Besides, I was still getting ready.

So, I picked him up at 2. I told him to take the car, drop me off at work, and he can make some calls to see who can watch Layla for a little while. So he did.

At 2:30, he called me up when I'm at work, and said, "You selfish fucking bitch. You leave me with the kid even though I told you I had nowhere to take her and mad shit to do, but you don't give a fuck. All you care about is yourself. I'm fucking done helping you. Tomorrow, you can find someone else to watch Layla, cuz I ain't watching her for you. Then you'll see how hard life can fucking be." I didn't say a word to this. I just let him talk. Of course, me and the silent treatment... I get a, "Well fuck you too" at the end of his lecture. I disregarded that too. Why waste my breath? I'm done arguing with him. About anything.

So, I told Nancy and she said I could go home, since there were only 11 patients. I took Layla and came back home. Then I called her godmother, Kyla. She says she'll watch her for me tomorrow while I'm at work.

And that's that.

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